The barometer
Plants and Minerals
If you are wondering how to express your affection, how to show your love, or how to somehow buy something for someone at this particular point in time, I can offer you the suggestion of Plants and Minerals.
You could, of course, (as I am sure you are aware), purchase and present potatoes and salt. One plant, one mineral, and they go together very well. You can buy them fresh and separately, or already cooked together to a golden-brown, crunchy on the outside and tender within. As are we all.
Another option is roses and diamonds. You could secure and deliver a big bouquet of flowers—a dozen large gaudy-party long-stemmed red roses for instance—and one small perfectly cut solitaire diamond. Or perhaps the person on your list would prefer one small perfect rose and a whole bunch of huge diamonds. Either way is fine.
If you are looking for additional options in the Plant and Mineral family of gifts, I can offer those to you as well.
Tubers are good: a bag of bulbs of any sort, complete with the yummy-yum-yummy plant food of 20-10-20 mineral-containing foodstuff—or 30-6-12, or whatever it is they recommend for that tulip or crocus or onion—would be grand. A bulb that you can plant in spring is ideal. A bulb you have to wait until next fall to plant is thoughtful (if it lasts ’til then) as it is a forward-looking gift, a present that says “we have a future.” Lovely.
Please, do not re-gift certain Plants and Minerals. For example, that crispy Christmas plant that is supposed to have all those festive leaves and flowers, but is all dry and brown: No. Not even if you combine it with the best part of a plastic container of Prenatal Vitamins, especially if they are most obviously very aged. To sum up: no dead poinsettias, no Mom-to-Be Iron Tabs leftover from when your ten-year-old was born. Sorry. I don’t want to be mean about this, but other Plants and Minerals make better gifts.
A stick and a rock? We have a few extremely important sticks at my place, and I am not kidding about that.
Some sticks came all the way from the Queen Charlotte Islands (Haida Gwaii), when the beach at Grey Bay was like Hawaii except without the crowds. The surf was music, and all the members of my small family left me alone for several hours while I read really, really old New Yorker magazines.
Q: What is almost as good as one brand new New Yorker?
A: A pile of really, really old New Yorkers, so ancient that most of the articles have been forgotten and can be reread as new. Fresh bliss at no extra charge, eh?
Important sticks, for the most part, are gathered from the beach as driftwood by those who require a supply of Back Yard Light-Sabres. These BYLs tend to break after a few uses, and so it is wise to have plenty on hand to avoid disappointment.
The stone portion of the gift can be special rocks, or they can be the shells of living creatures who have left their mark and moved on. Moon snails, for example. Gorgeous things, so voluptuous and sensuous and minerally.
Quite possibly the ideal Plant and Mineral gift for this time of year is a packet of tomato seeds and a small sturdy shovel. You can découpage the wooden handle of the tool with colourful crepe paper. Express your fondest emotions with love apples and a piece of practical art.
If roses and diamonds are just too obvious, consider re-gifting your really, really old New Yorker magazines. The wood-fibre product, produced with the aid of minerals in printing presses and ink, can be wrapped in a seasonally-themed paper product featuring red hearts. Imagine the surprise!
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