Welcome to Sheila’s Swish Chalet at CISM-FM, a radio show soon to be broadcast at 93.9 on your FM dial—that is if you and your radio can hear Smithers’ noon whistle. If not, go to www.smithersradio.com for live streaming.

THE CAST:
Sheila Peters:
the program host, wearing her fetching green suede chalet boots with matching pompoms.

Glen Ingram:
the Renaissance man whose front-row Saturday night seat at one of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion broadcasts has made him a champion of radio.

Eerik Lilles:
the double EE for Estonian Eric, for Engineering Eric, for Enchanting…? Whatever you decide, he’s working hard to bring CISM-FM into your living room.

Abdel Naroth:
a world traveler with a classic radio voice, and a knowledge of jazz and world music spanning at least three continents.

SCENE 1 The tiny CISM-FM studio upstairs at the One Sky building on Second Avenue in Smithers.
SHEILA: Listeners, I’d like to welcome you to the first broadcast of Sheila’s Swish Chalet, celebrating the launch of CISM-FM—yes, that’s ‘Kiss ‘em,’ folks, at 93.9 on your FM dial.
SOUND: A DOOR OPENS, LETTING IN OFFICE SOUNDS OF PHONES RINGING, PEOPLE TALKING.
SHEILA: I’d like to welcome my first guest, Glen Ingram, one of the founding directors of the Smithers Community Radio Society which has worked hard to make shows like this possible.
GLEN: Lovely boots, Sheila.
SHEILA: Why thanks, Glen.
SOUND: CHAIR CREAKS AND MICROPHONE SQUEALS AS SHEILA SITS UP AND REMOVES HER FEET FROM THE TABLE.
SHEILA: If it’s not public radio and it’s not private radio, what exactly is community radio?
GLEN: It’s commercial-free, independent radio programmed by volunteers. Our board of directors has applied for the license, raised funds to buy and install our equipment, established a website, and actually begun programming. We love radio and we think it’s a great way to build bridges among people.
SOUND: THE STUDIO DOOR BURSTS OPEN.
EERIK: Right on, Glen. Community radio stations make room for different voices. Smithers is a great community and we want to create a forum to talk about community issues, to develop relationships. Inform, educate, and entertain!
GLEN: Let me introduce Eerik Lilles. He’s another founding board member with a particular interest in housing, seeing as he’s a civil and structural engineer.
SHEILA: Welcome, Eerik. Take a seat, if a big lad like yourself can squeeze in. We have a bit of a housing crisis in here already.
SOUND: GRUNTS, A SQUEAL.
GLEN: If we get to know each other, we’ll see what we have in common. That’s one of the benefits of small communities, and this town has many talented people with knowledge to share. For example, we’re hoping Eerik will do a program on alternative housing.
EERIK: I want to share ideas about why we build the kinds of houses we do. So much of our time and money goes into our homes without us really thinking about different ways, more efficient ways of doing things.
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS TO WHISPERING AND CRINKLING OF A NOTE BEING PASSED.
SHEILA: (reading to herself) The local media are controlled by the forces of globalization. They want to rile us up so they can sell more ads and convince us to buy, buy, buy.
SOUND: PAPER CRUMPLED. IT HITS THE SIDE OF A GARBAGE CAN.
SHEILA: So do you have the local newspaper and radio station shaking in their boots?
SOUND: LAUGHTER
EERIK: No, no—we’re not in competition. Take Glen’s show: it celebrates Canadian music, music you’d never hear on public or private radio. And local musicians.
SHEILA: Music is always a big part of community radio. I see you’ve got a lineup already: some blues, your show, Glen…and what’s this—the Ethnic Café?
SOUND: A LOUD POP AS OF A CHAMPAGNE CORK
SHEILA: Holy cow, where did you come from?
GLEN: Sheila, Abdel Naroth.
ABDEL: Pleased to meet you.
EERIK: Abdel was an international jazz promoter and tour manager when he lived in South Africa.
SHEILA: Welcome to Smithers, Abdel.
GLEN: He’s another of our founding board members.
SHEILA: What brings you to radio, Abdel?
ABDEL: When South Africa was apartheid, the government controlled the airwaves. Then after the 1994 elections, a friend of mine established one of the first independent commercial radio stations in the country. I provided music for them. When I moved to the US, I listened to a local college radio. I kept calling in requests until they asked me to do my own show.
SHEILA: How do you build a good music show?
ABDEL: I always mix commentary with music. If I want to talk about, say, racism, I can talk about where the music came from and then let the music speak for itself.
SOUND: THE STUDIO DOOR OPENS AND ABDEL YELPS AS IT HITS HIS SHOULDER. WHISPERING AND PAPER CRINKLING. THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
ABDEL: What’s this? It’s from CSIS. A rival radio station?
SOUND: THE NOTE IS SNATCHED.
SHEILA: CSIS? Good Lord. It’s our very own security service. They want to know who’s trying to access their data bases from CISM’s computer.
SOUND: THE NOTE IS SNATCHED AGAIN.
GLEN: I knew that show was going to get us into trouble.
SHEILA: What show?
EERIK: Someone is sneaking into the studio at night and inviting folks to call in with their conspiracy theories. Who shot JFK? Did the B36 bomber that crashed up the Kispiox drop its nuclear warhead somewhere? Has Bin Laden been seen fishing on the Babine?
SHEILA: Who’s doing it?
GLEN: We can’t say.
EERIK: We’d have to kill you.
GLEN: And all our listeners.
SHEILA: Right. Let’s move on. What else is coming?
GLEN: We have people preparing shows on social justice issues, some comedy, maybe more radio drama like this. Listeners can check out our website for a schedule.
EERIK: I’m personally very excited about the yoga show.
SHEILA: Yoga? On the radio?
ABDEL: Some visual artists are planning an art appreciation hour.
GLEN: Quit kidding around, you guys.
EERIK: I thought it might be pretty lively to follow the building inspector on his rounds, see how he handles do-it-yourself renovators.
GLEN: (Groans.)
SHEILA: Well, I have an idea.
SOUND: SILENCE
SHEILA: You know I teach English at Northwest Community College?
ABDEL, GLEN, EERIK: Yeeees…
GLEN: (whispering): Eerik, did you fix that spelling mistake on the website?
EERIK: (hissing) It was your spelling mistake!
SHEILA: A grammar show might go over well. People could phone in with their apostrophe questions and we could get some good discussions going about, you know, the labels on men’s and women’s washrooms…
SOUND: CHAIR SHOVED BACK.
EERIK: I’ve gotta go. A root canal.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FEET RUN DOWN THE STAIRS AND FADE IN THE DISTANCE.
ABDEL: Well, apostrophes are one thing, but can you explain when to use who and when to use whom?
SOUND: GLEN GROANS. THE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FEET PLOD DOWN THE STAIRS AND FADE.
SCENE 2: On Second Avenue
SOUND: A HORN HONKS, A CAR SLOWS, AND, AS A WINDOW IS ROLLED DOWN, SHEILA AND ABDEL’S VOICES COME FROM THE CAR RADIO.
SHEILA: Whom is rarely used these days, at least in Canada. What about in South Africa?
ABDEL: It’s losing ground…
SOUND: A RHYTHMIC THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. UNCONTROLLABLE CRYING.
A WOMAN’S VOICE: Glen, what’s wrong? Why are you banging your head on my car?
VOICE OVER: Dear listeners, you’ll be relieved to know that CISM-FM has much more fun on its way than Sheila’s grammar phone-in. The radio community is creating itself as we speak. Want to listen in? Volunteer? Do your own programming? Go to www.smithersradio.com and see what’s happening!